


MapoBoy

by Hyojinie



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Depression, Falling In Love, Friendship, Help, M/M, Psychology, Suicidal Thoughts, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-14
Updated: 2019-10-20
Packaged: 2020-08-23 18:49:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20247604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hyojinie/pseuds/Hyojinie
Summary: I knew that my friends were exhausted hearing my complaints over the past 5 years. They tried to help me through. They really did.. but it was useless. Then.. one day Minhyuk said„Then fucking do it Hoseok!!!“Then... it felt even easier. I should kill myself and stop disturbing them, but this time a stranger blocked my way. The Mapo Boy.





	1. Chapter 1

My reflection scares me, so I turned around. The lightbulb flickers, trying atleast to spread some light to the small elevator. Silence. I decided to give my reflection a last look. How do I look like? Does it look like exhaustion? I have to ask someone. Hyungwon would always tell me to rest and sleep properly. Right. I have to rest, but how? Even after 5 years I couldn’t find a way to rest. Sleepless nights are just normal nights for me. Nothing new, nothing dramatic. The door opened and I stepped out. Hands in my pockets, head low and as small as possible I walked to the one door with the number 341. I knocked a few times. The only thing I could hear was my own heavy deep breath. Seconds later the blond head opened the door and rushed inside without even looking at me. That means „ I know that it‘s you Hoseok. Come in.“ 

I followed him while putting my hood down. It was dark inside, just how I liked it.  
I watched my friend sitting infront of the television.. I silently walked to his side and settled down on the couch.

It was weird, but also a really usual thing to us. A routine we couldn‘t change. Somehow I was wondering why Minhyuk was so distant. Although Minhyuk was used to my behavior and therefore left me mostly alone, I still lacked his worried look that day. He stopped asking „What’s wrong?“ years ago. Did he stopped caring now? Maybe. 

„There are some leftovers in the fridge“ he said and took a sip of his coke.

„Okay“ I nodded and rubbed my eyes. I waited for a moment. For some reason I was expecting a few more words from him. It was fine, It shouldn‘t matter. 

The kitchen was a mess. He probably burnt something while experimenting. A light chuckle left my lips, the moment I saw the pizza box. He ordered food again. He should stop playing with all this ingredients. At the end he was ordering, that was something for sure. I put some pizza in my mouth. I was hungry, but also I wasn‘t. I hated that feeling. I was fucking weird. I couldn‘t enjoy a slice of pizza, I couldn‘t visit my friend with a handful chips and bright smile, I couldn‘t spread light and joy. I hated it, I hated myself.

Tears were rolling down my face. I didn‘t even realize. I choked and started coughing. I felt Minhyuk‘s hand on my back.

„Do you want water?“ he asked, watching me carefully

I shook my head and wiped my tears away. There wasn‘t a reason to cry, to break down, to choke, to worry my friend. It was a normal day. I went to school, scribbled unnecessary stuff, went afterwards to work and that’s it. I didn’t get bullied or stumbled on a stone. But still.. There was big storm in my head. The bully was my mind and it never wants to stop. It all happened in my own head without the people around me. I waited long enough, even fought against it but it never lost. Even after 5 years..

„Hose-" I interrupted Minhyuk and kneeled down infront of him, holding my head between my hands.

„I want to die!!! Fuck it!!! I hate it!! Please stop!!! I want to end it!! There is -“ This time Minhyuk was the one who interrupted me 

„Then fucking do it Hoseok!!!!“ he yelled and pointed his finger to the door.

Silence.

„What?..“ I looked up to him.. scared of words he might want to say.

„I couldn’t convince you for the past 5 years. You never once listened to me, to your other friends, family, to anyone. Just do it!“ he said with a sigh. Maybe he wasn‘t looking in my eyes but he was honest. Minhyuk was as exhausted as me. 

„S-so you gave up on me, Minhyuk?“

„I can’t help you and every word is useless. I‘m frustrated and mad at myself that I‘m not someone you can hold onto or rely on.. „ There was a small pause. He closed his eyes, for a moment he seemed conflicted. He shook his head a bit and took a deep breath. Please do not continue Minhyuk. Please do not, but he did. 

Didn’t you want to go to the Mapo Bridge and jump?, as cruel as it sounds. It’s something you always wanted to do, but I have a one last wish. Please.. for the years we spent together.. please make sure to meet the Mapo boy, who has black hair and round glasses. He‘s there every night, he stands in a corner, surrounded with pictures and he’s drawing potraits of people. Before anything else.. meet him. Then.. then you can do whatever you want.“ he said with glassy eyes and left.

He left and Hoseok smiled. Maybe now it was easier to go.


	2. Chapter 2

„Hey Changkyun!“ Minhyuk greeted his friend with a quick smile..

„Hey! What’s up?“ Changkyun returned his smile and waved happily.. For Minhyuk, Changkyun was - despite his cold look- the most enthusiastic boy on the campus.

„I did it. I did what you told me. Ahh Changkyun.. I can‘t believe myself. Why did I do that? Please tell me! I‘ll never ever forgive myself.“ Minhyuk whined and put his head on the table..

Changkyun shrugged and started humming that one song he was addicted to lately.

Suddenly Minhyuk sat upright and frowned.

„Are you serious? Fucking stop making such sounds-! You‘re acting so carefree, as all of that wasn’t your idea! I pushed my bestfriend off yesterday. I suggested him to jump off the bridge! Just because you convinced me the day before. Why? Why did I -„

„Stop!“ Changkyun interrupted him and closed the book he was happily reading seconds ago. He seemed a bit frustrated but more likely disappointed.

„Is it my fault now? You‘re my friend, Minhyuk Hyung. I just wanted to help. You shouldn‘t hear me out then.“

Changkyun stood up but before he could walk away, Minhyuk grabbed his wrist.

„Changkyun..“ he whispered and a few tears rolled down his face but he still continued

„I trust you Kyun. I‘m just really afraid. You seem so calm and that scares me a lot. Hoseok isn‘t doing this for attention. He can‘t deal with depression and he‘s holding on us, his friends. I can‘t leave him like that. That‘s not me, that‘s not how a friend, especially a bestfriend should act.“

Changkyun hugged his friend and caressed his hair. The way Minhyuk was sobbing told him actually a lot about his relationship with his bestfriend.

„You didn‘t leave. You just acted like you didn‘t care for once and it seems like his reaction yesterday made you regret your decision. I can‘t promise you that he won‘t jump after what you said, but you were helpless all the time. You know Hoseok. You said he would not even be able to hold back for a year. He‘s suicidal and even hurts himself. How many times did you get him back from the hospital?? You had to do something and you did. You‘re really brave.“

Minhyuk tried to calm himself and faced Changkyun afterwards..

„The Mapoboy.. Can we trust him? Why are you so sure? Hoseok switched psychologist every week. I don‘t think that this guy you talked about is going to be any help!“ Minhyuk took a deep breath and closed his eyes..

„We have to trust... Not everything is going to be alright, but maybe something.. Make sure to not follow him and give him the space he needs.“

it's was not as if Minhyuk planned to run after Hoseok. Ultimately, Minhyuk had to stand behind his lied words.

„Yeah sure.. Btw are you really a psychology student? You have to change your major, if anything goes wrong.“

Minhyuk said while rolling his eyes. Changkyun put an arm over his shoulder, in a protective manner and giggled softly. As if everything was going to be alright. He was so young, full of joy, fearless and optimistic. On some days he seemed like he was struggling with a lot of things, but never loses the energy he has to stand up. The complete opposite of Hoseok.

If Minhyuk could wish for something, it would be that people who decorate their souls with many colorful lanterns, could share their light with other people, who are silently sitting in the dark. 

***

„Hey Kyun. Don‘t leave today. We‘re going to the club, Hyunwoo recommended earlier.“

Changkyun looked to the door, where Jooheon was waving with the key in his hand.

„Sorry bro. I can‘t.“ Changkyun said while putting his notebook aside.

Suddenly his smile disappeared and he frowned.

„Bro! Wtf, you‘re studying all day long and leave midnights to draw faces! Can you please take some days off. I know it’s your hobby and whatever but I‘m worried and I want to spend some time with you.“

Changkyun shrugged. It became a habit and altough it got tiring sometimes, he couldn‘t just quit. There was a different feeling, an emotional connection to that place and hobby.

„Changkyun!! You‘re dozing off! Please. If you don‘t want to party, we can just stay here and watch a movie or anything you want or let‘s just rest.“

Changkyun felt sorry. Extremely sorry. He knew that Jooheon was worrying all the time but he didn‘t know what to do. Maybe Jooheon was right, Changkyun was not okay. The mirror told him the same story, after he saw his reflection. He was tired, but there were people who are even more tired. The faces he drew every night. The happy faces of the tourists, the exhausted face of a girl, who overworked herself to take care of her family, the sad face of that one boy, who broke up with his girlfriend. „Thanks for listening. At the end of my tiring day, you offered me your warm shoulder. You feel like home“ A girl once said and for him it was so meaningful. All Changkyun want was to help.

He grabbed his backpack and stormed out of the room. He heard how Jooheon called after him but he would apologize tomorrow. Hopefully.

00:32. The streets were empty. A few cars passed by. Changkyun hopped in his own car and drove to the bridge. He was living nearby, so it didn‘t even take him 10 minutes with the car. After a while he looked around and spotted a park station. It was getting colder and Changkyun knew that he was going to miss the hot summer days. 

Changkyun took all the things out from the car and walked up to the bridge. His glasses were hanging him at the tip of his nose and his view got blurry. He placed the fold-out desk and chair on the ground and fixed his glasses. Then he saw that he almost reached his place.

While walking, the paint brushes and all the small things in his bag rustled and clattered, ensured that everyone who were passing by were looking back to him. Human‘s are sometimes too sensitive he thought.

He enjoyed watching the river until he crashed in someone. 

„Ooh oh fuck fuck fuck“ Changkyun stuttered without looking up to the person. He was going to loose his balance and that would be the last thing he needed right now. This color glasses in his bag were much too expensive to break. He barely painted with them.

„Hey sorry I was absorbed in thoughts.“ The boy apologized and reached for him.

„No problem. I‘m fine.“ Changkyun smiled and saw how perfectly build the man infront of him was. Despite his dark and tired eyes he was really really handsome.

The boy looked at him with so much curiosity, that Changkyun felt a bit shy.

„Are you the Mapoboy?“ he asked and lowered his head a bit. 

Changkyun pushed his glasses up and smirked, altough he wasn‘t feeling confident at all. Probably his cheeks were dark red.

„I guess I am.“


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you to everyone who is reading this story.. It means a lot to me ;;)

Life was hard. A long path with hardships. Not only for me, but for everyone else too.   
Sadly we remember nice days, nice memories so rarely, while tiring days, which we end with embarrassment and dumbly made mistakes are always coming back to us. Why do we remember them so quickly? Why do they effect us so deeply? Happiness is out of reach most of the time and sadness follows us anywhere. Atleast for me it seems like that. It feels so impossible to find a balance and to keep walking without taking long breaks infront of every hurdle. I tried to find a balance years ago, but sadness and anxiety were much heavier than the happiness and light in me . God’s work. Not everything was balanced in the world. I know that but still without balance I find myself quite often on the ground. Feet in the mud, head low, a bit dizzy and hurt. I had to stand up. I always have to. I’m young, I’m strong, I have a big build, I’m a man. I just have to stand up, stop failing and falling. Easy to say, hard to do.  
These days I’m on the ground, my nails bloody, but still trying to pull myself forward. My friends are here. They’re holding my hand, helping me to overcome the barrier. They’re getting bloody fingers too. Just by helping. Because of me. Why are they doing this? They can see the next barrier, the next hurdle too. It’s only a few meters away. There is no end. They have to turn back. I’m sure that there is no destination, no light for me. 

“Hoseok” 

I took a deep breath and turned around. I shut the thoughts off.

“Yes mom?” 

She smiled and put the plate full of fruits on my desk. 

“You didn’t eat anything today.”

She said quietly, probably afraid that I would reject her nice gesture... 

“Thanks mom.. You didn’t have to.”

I whispered and turned my eyes down. I couldn’t face her after all she’s been through because of my odd behavior. Because of my messed mental health. Because of everything I did and I was going to do.

Her tiny warm arms embraced me.. she left a peck on my head.

“You know how much I love you, right?” She said while stroking my hair.

“I know. I love you too mom.. I really do.”  
First tears already left my eyes. My mom was suffering because of me. She spent half of her life to take care of me and even today she was doing it without complaining. She was tired... really exhausted. Because of me.

After she nodded she left my room. The clock kept ticking. 21:32 pm.. I reached for my phone and saw that I haven’t got any message today. Especially from that one particular person, who turned his back to me yesterday. My childhood friend, my brother, my better half. Actually it was something I whished for years ago. That my friends would let go of me, break the friendship and continue their lifes without any worries and sleepless days and nights. But still.. hearing all that personally.. hurted. More than anything. As if all the voices in my nightmares told me the truth. As if they never cared. Especially to hear all of that from Minhyuk. The one who called me midnights to ask if I want to hang out. Just to make sure I’m okay. His hurt look when he saw my cuts.. All the times he found me unconcious. He did enough. He is the reason why I’m still alive.

“You can’t go Hoseok!!!! You can’t leave. I’ll bring you back!! Every fu*king time!”

I remembered his words. Now it was really time to go. Since there was no one, who was going to bring me back.. it must be easier.

I walked to my desk and took a pen. My farewell to the precious people, who sacrificed themselves quite often for me.

***

I walked down the road. Enjoying the soft breeze. Probably my last breaths I thought. Will I be forgotten? How will I be remembered. I’d probably have more sins than my tattoos. Hopefully I can find the peace there or maybe I have to suffer there as well, for killing myself, for leaving my lonely mother behind, for depressing my friends, for all the other sins..

Suddenly a shorter boy walked against my chest and let a quick scream out before I catched him. 

I was already dead, I didn’t even saw the boy while walking.

“Hey sorry I was absorbed in thoughts.“ I said.

„No problem. I‘m fine.“ The boy smiled and we looked at eachother for seconds. He was probably a few years younger than me. The round glasses with his sharp nose and cute eyes and lips made him look extremely soft. 

Suddenly my eyes wandered to the stuff in his hands, his colourful shoes, as well as his grey hoodie with the print “I’m an artist”

„Are you the Mapoboy?“ I asked without thinking and lowered my head to meet his eyes, which he hid behind his bangs

The tiny boy pushed his glasses up and smirked, which made him even cuter.

„I guess I am.“ he responed and I smiled. I didn’t even start looking for you but found you immediately. Is that a sign.. everything happens so fast. The dead is near..

“Are you okay?” he asked. Why do I hate this question so much? Suddenly I felt down again. I could never hold my mood up for a few hours. Even not on my last day.. but I guess there is no reason to feel down by his words, it would be the last time hearing it anyways.

I was about to leave him behind, but he handed me the chair and a yellow bag.

„Can you help me please?“ he asked, trying to catch his breath, one hand on his hip and a small grin followed. 

„I‘m exhausted“ he laughed and made a dramatic face.

If exhaustion would look like that.. That would be great. I wished to be as calm as him around strangers, too calm to hand them my belongings and give them the warmest smile. A wishful thinking.. Impossible for me. The boy for sure didn‘t have social anxiety.

I watched him putting everything on the ground, fixing his desk, putting the colourful glasses out of his bag and a purple pencil case full of brushes and- yeah.. another pencil case with thousand pencils inside. While watching him I saw that he had a plaster around his finger. Beeing an artist is probably not easy. Does he need that money? Why is he doing this on such a cold day?   
After unpacking the canvas, he looked at me with a pout..

„Thought you would help..“ he said sweetly and I panicked. Not because of his cute, exhausted look and pink cheeks but also because I felt embarrassed watching him doing all the things by himself. To be honest there was no reason to be embarrassed. I didn‘t have to help him nor was I obligated to do anything. I could just walk away right? But why did he have this pleading look, this small pout, those shiny eyes..

I grabbed the chair and we finished the remaining part without sharing a word. I hang the latern and he lit a few candles. Beside the shitty weather it felt so warm and comfortable.

„Oppa!!“ A girl from across the road waved and run to our side. 

„Oh hey Hayoongie!“ The tiny one next to me waved and smiled brightly.

„Sorry I can‘t talk much today. I‘m in rush. Mom said I should bring you some tteokbeoki.“ She smiled and handed him the box.

„Ohw thanks, I‘ll enjoy it!“ He licked his lips and held the box of tteokbokki to his chest while watching the girl walking away. He was so excited over a few rice cakes, while Hoseok couldn‘t enjoy anything. Life was so unfair.

„Yeyy! Thanks to you I decorated my place so fast and we even got some food. What a nice day!“

The boy was so cute, so cheerful. He was getting excited over small things. That was so nice to watch. I wanted to cry, just because I felt so envious. When was the last time I got excited or happy?

„ You‘re my guest today. Please take a seat.“ The boy pointed to the stool and walked behind the desk. 

I was not sure. I only had to meet him, right? To spend some time with him wasn‘t written in my to-do list. I could spend my time watching the stars, but for some strange reasons I couldn‘t say ‚no’ to him.

„Oh.. Am I stopping you.. Guess you‘re busy.. I‘m sorry.“ he looked to both of the chopsticks in his hands and put them sadly on his desk. 

I didn‘t want to make the boy sad. I had a lot of time actually. Today was my last day and I shouldn’t make someone sad. Especially not this small, cheerful boy with his round glasses. Maybe I could listen to his storys he wanted to tell. Maybe he was lonely and needed some company. Maybe he wasn’t as happy as I thought.

I didn’t respond but sat infront of him. How strange. We were sitting on the sidewalk. The bridge was a cold place, especially the wind, which came with the passing cars was annoying. It was not really a great place to chill but seemed like the boy enjoyed it nonetheless.

While I was busy thinking about the situation, the boy put a warm blanket around my shoulders and smiled brightly.

„better?“ He was so close to my face. His chocolate brown eyes were directly looking into my eyes. So warm and sweet. It was somehow addicting.

„Yes..“ I whispered.. and quickly looked back to the food..

„I‘m glad..“ he said and lit the candles, who blew off because of the wind..

„Are you okay? Cause I‘m fine, I don‘t need the blanket.“ I said after I noticed that it was the only blanket around.

„Noooo. Please keep it. I have more. I just feel really warm.“ He put many tteokbeokis in his mouth and started chewing..

„Mmmmmm soo deliciouss!! Please take some“ He wiggled with his chopsticks enthusiastically.

I felt full just by watching him. It was the first time that I found someone so cute.

„Jjang Chang!!“ A middle aged woman yelled and waved, while passing by..

„Heeey“ Changkyun waved back.

I tried to stifle my laugh, watching his messed up face, which was full of sauce. What a baby. 

‘You have a lot of fans, don‘t you?’ I thought and took a tissue from my pocket

As he could read my mind he started talking.

„It‘s been a long time that I‘m spending my time here.. so I met a lot of nice people, but there are also people like police officers, who hate me for being here.“ he giggled.

I nodded. I had a lot of questions.. Like.. Why was he here? But I knew that If I ask him personal questions he might want to ask me as well.. Keeping distance wouldn‘t hurt.

„ Can I draw your potrait?“ he asked and suddenly his eyes sparkled..

What am I supposed to do? I can say ‘no’, right? Why would he want to draw my ugly face? Did he need money? That might not be the case since the expectant and excited look was telling me more. Why me? There are plenty of pretty faces around.. but still.. I nodded. Deep inside of me.. a part of me felt wanted and special.

He clapped happily and turned around to take his stuff.. I felt so excited and my heartbeat increased, without knowing the actual reason. Maybe because it was the first time someone was going to draw me.. That was exciting.. yeah..

„But uhm.. I have a different method.. I like to draw while using all five senses: touch, sight, smell, taste and hearing..“

Suddenly I started coughing and he quickly patted my back..

„Sorry I mean.. that sounds wrong, but I can‘t draw the perfect potrait just by looking at you. Don‘t worry about the ‚taste‘ part.. We‘ll take it out.. still 4 senses are better than 1..“

I nodded and he started with his sketch. He put one of his pencils behind his ear and he looked so cute while being concentrated.

„Heyy don‘t move“ he warned and hit me with the other pencil.

Somehow I felt so comfortable around him. He wasn‘t curious about my life, my name, my dark eye circles.. He was just smiling and talking nicely. As the world was just spinning around us. Ignoring the people, who were complaining about us blocking the sidewalk. He was talking to himself, which color he should use and let funny noises when he made small mistakes.. Cute..

„Can I touch you..?“ he put the pencil aside. I could feel that he was shy, although he didn‘t want to show that..

Touch? How? Where? What should I do? Should I move? Maybe come closer to him. I blushed and my chest felt so tight that breathing was nearly impossible. 

„Ehm.. but before I start, can I play a song.. Would you mind it?“ he asked, taking his phone out of his pocket..

„No... It‘s fine.“ I answered and watched the river behind him.. It was beautiful.. My view was really beautiful and I tried to calm myself a bit.

„Do you know the song ‚Secret garden‘ from Oh my girl?“ he looked so expectantly ..

„No?....“ I mumbled and he turned so mad.. but still cute..

„What!! How?? Don‘t tell me that you‘re stanning another girl group. We might be from rival fandoms.“ He said dramatically and widened his eyes..

Oh boy, I‘m gay.. I don‘t stan girl groups. We could talk about boy groups, but seems like you‘re straight, I thought. I felt a bit dissapointed by thinking about the possiblity of him beeing straight. It shouldn’t matter. He was just a stranger. A cute little stranger. A cute little straight stranger.

Before I could respond he played the song he probably was talking about. Maybe he wanted to distract me from my thoughts. Was I to obvious? 

„I will make you an Oh my girl fanboy, don’t worry! Now close your eyes please“ he smiled and I did as told.

After seconds soft cold fingers touched and travelled my face. He played with my wimpers and it felt weird. He cupped my cheeks afterwards and stroked them so gently. I felt loved.. and eventhough it felt so weird to be touched by a stranger, I felt so nice, as if he was telling me a story. As he was telling me that I did a great job, as he wanted to give me strength.

I decided to listen to the song to get away from all the thoughts I had..

✨For the first time, I‘ll show it only to you, follow me  
Come with me bae, hold my hand you and me  
There‘s a precious place within me , a place that belongs only to me  
It‘s not much right now, it‘s only a scenery  
If you wait a little while you‘ll soon see it  
There‘s something wonderful and amazing planted inside  
You don‘t see anything now but  
If you wait a little while you‘ll find it   
My secret garden✨

„Okay.. you can open your eyes now.. You almost fell asleep“ he giggled and I rolled my eyes..

The song was nice and calming but I didn’t admit and mention it.

„You know.. You smell like cotton candy..“ he said quietly, looking away..

I held my breath. Was that because of my cookie shampoo? I was not sure, but it was the only sweet smelling thing I had. Was it disturbing him? Should I keep distance? 

„It smells so nice.“ He looked at me and I was melting slowly. 

I smiled back.

„A color you think of right now?“ He asked suddenly..

„Blue?“ I answered and he nodded.. 

„A fish you like?“ he gave me a quick look

„Hmm.. I like koi fishes..“ 

He laughed and took out a few more color glasses..

„Almost done!“ he jumped happily „You can relax now..“ 

I put my head on the table and after a few minutes, which felt like an eternity he touched my shoulder..

„Hey.. you have to wake up..“ I yawned and looked up to him..

„You‘re done?“ I asked while rubbing my eyes

„No.. but I‘ll finish it tomorrow. You‘re tired and I need a bit more time.. Can you come tomorrow?“

There is no tomorrow boy. It all has to end today. For once I have to be brave and do it. I have to. I want to. I don‘t want to go to bed tonight. I don‘t want to see the same nightmares again. I don‘t want to look after blades again, I don‘t want to cry over nothing again. I don‘t want to be a burden again. I want to be happy, just as you. So smiley and lively. Don‘t keep me away. That‘s too much to ask for.

„Please“ he whispered.. Don‘t. Please don‘t. Don‘t look at me like that

Our eyes were locked. He smiled so brightly .

„You have to listen to more Oh my girl songs..“ he whispered again and pointed to his phone

All I could do was to nod. 

„Okay...“ I whispered back. Will you take responsibility for everything. For my aching heart.. Will you be really here, at the same place tomorrow?

And then suddenly I‘ve got a bone crushing hug..

„Thank you for being so nice and making me happy.“


	4. Chapter 4

~“When you get one step, two steps farther away... I‘ll take three steps toward you.. So we won‘t get any farther apart~“

Suddenly Changkyun stopped singing and looked behind him to the person, who thought pulling off his earphones and disturbing him around 7am was a pretty good idea.

„Oh Hyung“ Changkyun smiled, looking up to his senior.

„Hey Kyun. You‘re always so early. As expected from the smartest student here.“ Shownu said while they were walking side by side

Changkyun only smiled and held his books tightly against his chest. To be honest he was in love with his major and studying was something he liked to do. Maybe he had ‚No life‘ since it was the only thing he does the whole day, but atleast he was enjoying it. 

„Btw what are you listening to? You sound deeply in love from far away“ Shownu giggled and put a hand on his shoulder.

„Ahh noo.. It‘s an Oh my girl song.“ he said proudly and since they were walking to their classes, he decided to put his earphones away for a short time.

„Do you listen to anything else than Oh my girl songs? Joo told me that you have plenty albums and millions of merch and stuff. Are you maybe a sasaeng? Are you following them to their hotel rooms? You know that the possibility of dating one of the girls is really low, right?“ Shownu asked with a serious expression.. But seeing Changkyun so shocked and confused let him break out in a laugh.

„Hyung that‘s not right and funny! Woah you guys are soo annoying. Seriously!!!!“

He quickly walked away, but Shownu was following him with fast steps. Still laughing at him.

„Ahh before I forget it. I want to tell you that Joo said he was really mad at you for ignoring him and he feels like that your friendship is not as strong as it was. Please talk to him, cause it‘s really tiring to deal with a depressed and sulky Jooheon. I guess you know that.“ Shownu made a exhausted face and this time Changkyun was the one laughing.

“Oh yeah. I’ll talk to him, Hyung. Don’t worry.” he smiled and after they waved their goodbye’s, he walked up the stairs, to his first class of the day. He promised himself that he was going to apologize to his best friend. He was going to make everything right. He had to. Why was he studying psychology, when he wasn’t even showing attention to his friends feelings? Changkyun was always the first person, who told others not to ignore each other, to talk about everything, to build trust and spread love.. He was always the one, people were coming for to get advices. Still.. He forgot to use his own advices sometimes.. Especially for himself. Unfortunately he forgot himself quite often.

***

“Hoseook!!!” Minhyuk ran to me and jumped in my arms.

“What are you doing here?” I said with a deep voice. I couldn‘t prevent that my voice sounded extremely tired. 

“I was waiting for you. I hoped to see you again Hoseok. I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.” He burried his face and started crying.

I couldn’t hug him back, I couldn’t comfort him, altough I wanted to. I was just tired.. like always. I was done with everything, especially with myself.

“For how long have you been waiting infront of my door?” I whispered..

It took a few seconds to get an answer.. He couldn’t stop crying..

“7 hours..” he looked up to me.. Those teary eyes were taking all the air out of my lungs. When we were younger, Minhyuk was whiny, silly, cute, funny, annoying, nice.. He still is.. but I never really saw him sad. Of course everyone gets sad from time to time, but Minhyuk was such a bright person. He was the sun, shining through every dark cloud. Minhyuk was the sunlight, keeping me alive. I was using all the light for myself, how selfish. I was using him.. The sun has to rest up as well. The moon has to come up as well. 

“Thank you Min..” I whispered .. tears were already finding their way down

Minhyuk broke our embrace and gave me a confused look.

“I know that you didn’t mean to hurt me. I know that you’ll always be by my side. All the words you said that night.. Hoseok didn’t take it seriously, cause Hoseok knows his friend, but there is my mind, telling me the complete opposite and I can’t fight it. I’m sorry” I added

Minhyuk wiped my tears away, smiling brightly. 

“I was so afraid..” he whispered and hugged me again. A bone crushing hug.

“You were afraid that your plan wasn’t going to work. You saw that boy as a chance. I guessed it. You hoped he could help me, right? He did somehow. He is pretty and cute.. He is calm and good with words.”

Minhyuk widened his eyes and suddenly he looked around, everywhere, but not able to look in my eyes. As if he didn’t expect to get caught.

“I- Ehh.. I’m.. I‘m happy that he helped you..“ he stuttered.. Suddenly he looked up to me, eyes full of curiosity. What came to his mind?

„You found someone pretty and cute??? You??? Are you sure? You were never attracted to someone?? Only once in middleschool. Hoseok is that really you?“ Minhyuk attacked me with questions and his smile was getting wider with my confused expression and darkening cheeks.

„Yeah.. Maybe I can openly say that he‘s pretty and cute, cause he is someone I could never have. Unreachable. He is loved by people, he‘s talented, has a cute music taste, he is joyful, he seems so young and fearless, he likes girls..   
We‘re so different.“

Minhyuk‘s smile disappeared. He frowned and rolled his eyes.

„Hoseok!! Listen to me! You‘re so much more than you think of yourself. You are so handsome, you have a pretty smile, you are considerate, you are wise and lovely.. There are so many good things I can say about you. I can talk for hours.”

I shrugged. 

“I’ll meet him one more time. Than it’ll be over. I don’t want to get used to him.. to his presence..”

Minhyuk took a deep breath. He couldn’t argue with me.

“Go home and sleep. You look tired Min. See you later.”

Minhyuk yawned..

“Yeah. See you later, but don’t forget to look at your phone from time to time. Reply to my messages.” he said and pointed to his own phone.

“Yeah.. will do” I mumbled..

After we go seperate ways.. I took a deep breath. I didn’t like to be the reason for Minhyuk’s sadness. I liked the chaotic boy too much. 

I opened the door. My mom was at work, so I threw myself on the couch and closed my eyes. “Take a shower Hoseok”.. I wasn’t going to hear this today. That was nice. 

I reached for the remote control.. After a while my fingers stopped switching channels. I watched a music show. A girl group was performing. I wanted to switch again but suddenly their name popped out. ‘Oh my girl’. I sighed and turned my back to the television. I didn’t want to think about him. About his sharp nose, cute giggles, the way he was pouting while drawing.. I didn’t want to.

The song in the background was still playing and overshadowing my thoughts..

✨I can see the fifth season right over your shoulder...It‘s the first time I‘ve felt this kind of nervous excitement. Your laughter makes my heart race.  
They say if it is true love, you‘ll know it at once  
They say you‘ll know without a doubt or hesitation   
I think I know who that person is now..  
Lalalalalalala you‘re blooming for me.  
Dizzying like a haze..  
Lalalalalalala you‘re coming to me.   
I‘m dreaming with my eyes wide open..  
Slowly, across the horizon..  
You‘re approaching me. You‘ll remain in my heart from now on, right?  
(...)✨

I opened my teary eyes.. It wasn‘t even a sad song, but it still hurted.. in an unusual way.. and my heart ached for all the warm feelings I had but couldn‘t handle.. I felt his touch again, his soft cold fingers..

***  
„Changkyun?“ 

Someone called for him.

„Changkyun?“

Changkyun knew exactly who the voice belonged to..

„Changmi?“ he said.. hiding his face behind his hands..

„You killed me.. Stop helping others.. That won‘t bring me back. That won‘t change the fact that you killed me. Stop drawing. I was the one who taught you how to draw. Are you replacing me! You‘re a monster. Changkyun you‘re a monster! A monster“

Suddenly Changkyun jumped out off the bed. Without catching his breath, he grabbed his backpack and walked out of the room, walking down the stairs..

„Changkyun“ Changkyun quickly turned around. Hands trembling and his forehead full of sweat.

„Is everything okay? You‘re pale.“ His dad put his hand on Changkyun‘s shoulder.

„I‘m going back to the dorm. I can‘t sleep here dad.“ Changkyun looked to his dad with pleading eyes.

„Actually I hoped to have breakfast with you, but it‘s fine.“

Changkyun looked to the clock.. 06:13am..  
He knew that his dad wouldn‘t be judging. He wouldn‘t hold him back or try to talk about his weird behavior. His dad knew that Changkyun was better by keeping everything to himself and solving all the things by his own or maybe he too didn‘t want to talk about Changmi..

The streets were so empty.. It was cold. He was wearing pajamas. Changkyun put his earphones out of his bag. After walking for a while he sat down on a ground.. Silently listening to music. He closed his eyes, calming down, focusing on his own breathing. 

Eventually it would get better.

Suddenly someone pulled on his earphones and startled him. He didn‘t even notice that someone approached him.

„I won‘t ask you if you‘re okay or if you want to talk.. I won‘t ask you why you‘re crying or being sad.. but I can hug you and sing you an Oh my girl song if you want me to..“ The young man said and Changkyun didn‘t respond. That was the handsome guy he met on the bridge. The way he looked down, playing with the earphone.. Maybe he didn’t want to make Changkyun uncomfortable by looking directly at him, getting in physical contact or maybe he could understand and relate to his situation. He seems so understanding and nice. That guy was Minhyuk’s best friend, who was struggling with depression. Many people who are dealing with depression are so nice to others and taking care of them and their well being, cause they know how it feels to stand in the darkness, all alone.   
The first time they saw eachother, they didn’t talk much. He seemed shy or more likely he wasn‘t used to speak with people he doesn‘t know. 

‚It costed you a lot of effort and courage to come here and comfort me, right?‘ he thought. 

He was so thankful that he cried harder this time, putting his head on the man‘s shoulder. 

For a moment it was quiet, but then he heard a nice voice, singing to a song he really liked.

„✨I want to know you, the secrets you cherish and your boyish heart.. Only look at me, the only flower blooming in your garden is my little heart-

Changkyun wiped his tears away and interrupted him..

„This song is called ‚B612‘. It’s not even a title track, how do you know it? Are you sure that you aren‘t a fan?“

Hoseok shrugged.

„Maybe..“

Changkyun‘s eyes sparkled and Hoseok felt happy for a moment. Happy that he could bring a smile on someones face he barely knew. Seeing him smiley was addicting. He was pretty. This boy shouldn’t be sad, it should be illegal. Was he even real? Why was he looking so damn pretty with his glassy eyes.

„Thanks“ He said while sobbing, which made a weird, choked sound. The second time they saw eachother and the second time he was thanking him for actually nothing. It felt weird but nice.

Hoseok giggled and smiled. After such a long time he found himself smiling sincerely. Was there still, deep down, any spark of light? Could he hold onto something? Was there still hope?

„You‘re welcome“ Hoseok grabbed his head with one hand and rested it on his own chest. 

He was much to brave to do all the things he did without thinking. He liked it. He liked that for once his heart was acting instead of his mind. That was new.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. Love u guys!


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